The Summer After
by sadsandwich
Summary: Queen Guinevere Pendragon has been dealing with Arthur's death, but she's worried about Merlin. He's been withdrawn and has been acting strange around her. Nothing like a quick camping trip to figure things out! (Supposed to be a one-shot, but I may make it a two-shot)


Queen Gwen heaves a tired sigh and lets the government documents fall onto the desk in front of her. Sending a glare at the papers, she slumps over and rests her chin on her palm. She's just about had enough of politics and all of her duties regarding the Council. They are just so, horribly, _dull_. Most of the time, the Council just goes in circles and it is absolutely infuriating. Not to mention how the group of elderly men always thought her incapable of making a decision by herself, whether it's as simple as who to invite to royal get-togethers, or as difficult as how to deal with the many crop failures of the current torrid summer.

Needless to say, she's discovered a new-found respect for all previous rulers who had to deal with the mind-numbing meetings and the nearly constant flow of paperwork. Even Uther, though he was respected for his winning the "war" against magic so it likely wasn't as difficult for him. He was also a man.

Scoffing at her inner musings, Gwen leans back in her chair and stares blankly at the ceiling. It's become darker faster than she was expecting, or perhaps she lost track of time, it wouldn't be the first time. The shadows cast from objects in her study dance across her ceiling and she finds herself idly thinking about the last time that she danced. It was ages ago, when Arthur was still alive.

One night he had come to her door, knocking softly with a quiet grin on his face. He had remembered their anniversary and he took her to a clearing in the forest. It was circled with candles and fireflies were flitting around, giving the area an ethereal and, dare she say it, almost magical ambience. Taking her hand, he had gently led her over to a picnic dinner and after they had danced. "To no music?" Gwen had teasingly asked, until Arthur started to hum. It was a common song often played at celebrations in the castle. Arthur must have known it by heart growing up there. While it wasn't much compared to what he could have done as King, the love behind it was clear to Gwen and that was all she needed.

Faintly smiling, Gwen closes her eyes, lost in the memory. Her head sways side to side and she hums along with him. Yes, Gwen was done grieving her husband, he died over a year ago after all and the needs of the people don't stop for anything, however from time to time she would find herself lost in a memory she had shared with him. She would allow herself to become momentarily immersed in her reminiscence, and in those moments, she felt as if he was still with her.

Pulling herself out of the forest and back to her chambers, Gwen places her hands on her desk purposefully and stands, her chair scraping against the wood. She'd best go to sleep early as she'll be waking up early to get a jump on work so she could leave for a few days without everything going downhill.

Merlin had invited her to go visit Arthur with him at the shores of Lake of Avalon. Gwen immediately agreed, a little more than eager to get away from her duties if only for a moment. Besides, despite what he thought, Merlin was her closet friend and it was her job to make sure he was okay.

She could tell he was suffering from Arthur's death. He still hadn't told her what happened. He still hasn't admitted that he's a sorcerer. Does he think she'll have him killed for it? Her heart hurts just thinking about it.

Gwen shakes her head. She supposes that doesn't really matter; he'll tell her when he thinks it's time. Tomorrow she'll join him and hopefully they'll overcome the lingering grief together. Standing, Gwen blows out the candles and climbs into bed. The shadows on the ceiling are long and still now, the moonlight steady and constant.

The next afternoon, Gwen and Merlin mount their horses and gallop off. Merlin remains mostly quiet, making remarks every now and then. Gwen thinks he feels guilty around her, because Arthur said he'd come back and he didn't. Merlin probably thinks he failed him. Casting a cursory glance at Merlin, Gwen takes a peek at how he's holding up. Apart from the dark circles under his eyes, he looks well. A small smile graces Gwen's face. Gaius must be keeping him in good health.

By the evening they reach the lake, Merlin has started to act like he did before. He's livelier and has bantered back and forth with her a bit, though there's still an underlying tentativeness that wasn't there before. Gwen tries to ignore it and act like she hasn't noticed anything out of fear that asking about it would make Merlin retreat within himself again.

Dismounting and unpacking, the two set up the blankets and food. Gwen is about to start taking out the food when Merlin mutters something about a fire and walks off into the woods. Well then, looks like it's up to her to make sure everything else is ready.

She's just finished making a firepit out if nearby rocks when Merlin returns from the shrubby, carrying an armful of sticks and branches. Gwen smiles.

"Welcome back," she says kindly, "I've made a firepit so we can start it here." She gestures to the circle of rocks at her feet.

"Alright." Merlin nods.

The fire is started as the sun kisses the horizon, the crackling of the flames a pleasant atmosphere. Gwen pulls out a bottle of mead and two cups from her saddle bag. She holds out a cup to Merlin and fills it before filling her own. They turn to the lake, now bathed in a wash of reds and pinks and yellows, and raise their cups.

"To Arthur," Merlin says somberly, staring at the lake with gleaming eyes.

"To Arthur," Gwen affirms, and they pour some of their drink on the ground before taking a sip.

They sit in silence as they watch the sun sink below the line of the earth, finishing off their food as they do. Gwen shivers and throws another log on the fire in hopes it will get hotter. She looks to Merlin, the man still staring out at the lake, even in the dim twilight. What could he be thinking? Floundering for something to say, Gwen fidgets with the hem of her dress. Just as she's about to open her mouth, Merlin speaks.

"I'm sorry," He whispers, still looking at the lake.

Gwen remains silent as she's not entirely sure who he's talking to, her or Arthur. That is until Merlin looks to her, brows pinched and eyes tearful.

_Oh_.

Reaching for Merlin's hand, Gwen grips it in what she hopes is a comforting manner. As she locks eyes with him, she talks calmly.

"I don't blame you. Arthur-" Gwen cuts herself of with a sigh, "Arthur knew what he was getting into when he left for war. There was always a possibility that he wouldn't return, and I've made my peace with the fact that he didn't. For God's sake Merlin," She squeezes his hand, "I would _never_ blame you."

Merlin looks away, unable to hold her gaze for any longer. He withdraws his hands, swiping at a stray tear.

"You should. You don't know what I've done," Merlin admits softly, looking heartbroken, like he's already decided what will happen, "I _failed_ him, and you."

Now Gwen's a little lost, is he talking about protecting Arthur? What did he do?

"Merlin-" Gwen starts, only to be cut off.

"I could have saved him."

"What?" Gwen asks, shocked at the revelation, surely Merlin hadn't been able to heal Arthur, or he would be here right now, right? "What are you talking about? How could you have saved him?" She asks somewhat incredulous.

Merlin doesn't say anything for a few seconds, only picking at his nails out of nervousness. He flicks his eyes to Gwen's.

"Merlin, how could you have-"

"I have magic," Merlin manages to force out, unintentionally interrupting her. He tenses up after the fact and clenches his eyes shut, preparing himself for Gwen's inevitable anger.

Gwen just smiles, pleased that he finally told her. It's about time. She sits quietly, waiting for Merlin to realize she's not mad. When it's been a few seconds, he opens his eyes warily, and his eyes widen when he spots Gwen's grin.

"I'm glad you finally told me."

"You _knew_?!" Merlin chokes out in disbelief.

Gwen nods, "I knew there was something different about you, but I really only figured it out after the war," She admits and grabs one of his hands and patting it consolingly.

"Listen Merlin, I don't blame you for Arthur's death because I have full faith that you did all you could to save him. I saw how close you two were, practically brothers I'd say. You wouldn't let him die if you could help it," Gwen says delicately, a sad smile flickering across her face for a moment.

Merlin shakes his head, "You don't understand, I didn't…I didn't listen when I should have and because of me, Arthur got killed by a person who shouldn't have been saved."

Gwen shakes her head back at him and puts an arm around him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly, "You didn't know, you were doing what you thought was right and you can't control the actions of others. You aren't at fault."

Merlin draws in a shaky breath and Gwen embraces him as he starts to cry in earnest. Tears came to her eyes as well and they mourned together. Only when Merlin's shoulders weren't shaking, and Gwen's eyes were dry, did they pull apart.

"I never thought I would be forgiven," He admits, running a hand through his hair.

Gwen shakes her head again, "There's nothing for me to forgive Merlin," She pauses, thinking, "But maybe…maybe you needed to forgive yourself."

Merlin nods.

"Maybe."

The two go to bed shortly after, both tired after crying and talking and when Gwen wakes, Merlin is still asleep. An idea pops into her mind and she stands quietly, walking into the forest. A few minutes later, she returns to the shore, a small bouquet of wildflowers in her hands. She makes her way to the water lapping on the shore and crouches.

"I miss you," she says quietly, placing the flowers in the water, "I don't know how you did it. Ruling, I mean. It's hard." Gwen sighs, "They want me to remarry to have an heir while I'm still young. It's _ridiculous_ Arthur. It's only been a year, how can they-" Gwen's voice breaks.

She takes a deep breath.

"I won't though, don't worry. I'll keep on refusing. If they want an heir so bad, I think I'll adopt. How does that sound? Get a nice kid from the orphanage. There are plenty children without anywhere to go after the war."

Gwen places a hand in the water, the coolness helping clear her mind.

"Merlin misses you too." A breathless scoff leaves her, "You know he blames himself? That's even more ridiculous than the Council wanting me to remarry. He's getting over it though, he's recovering. Watching you die…was scarring for him. We'll be okay though," Gwen reassures, taking her hand out of the water and standing, noticing that Merlin had come up behind her.

"We'll be okay," She reiterates, this time to Merlin, her face fierce and her voice full of something that sounds suspiciously like hope.

Merlin nods and they hold each other's hands, grounding themselves. Forgiveness and moving on isn't easy, in fact, it's the most difficult part of dealing with death. But Gwen's certain that Merlin will pull through, and she's already looking to the future.

She squeezes Merlin's hand before letting go and walking to the horses. Merlin follows and they mount their horses. Suring his horse into action, Merlin gallops into the forest, leaving Gwen one more moment to say something.

Her voice barely above a whisper, she bids him one last farewell.

"Goodbye Arthur."

_I love you._


End file.
